Why We Waited To Kiss and Have Sex Till Marriage

I was gone from the blog for a short time because I met the man of my dreams! We met and got married within five months! Call us crazy, but God sure had a plan.

If you missed the first post in this series, Our Love Story, be sure to go check it out here!

In fact, here’s a sneak peek at the whole series to come:

1. Our Love Story
2. Why We Waited To Kiss and Have Sex Till Marriage
3. 4 Practical Dating Tips for Christian Women In Their Early 20’s
4. The 7 Best Christian Books You Need To Read Before Marriage
5. How To Accomplish A Gorgeous Wedding For Only $2,000
6. How To Easily Prevent Pregnancy Without Birth Control
7. 6 Things I Learned In The First Three Months Of Marriage
8. 13 Surprising Benefits When You Get Married Young
9. How To Plan A Remote Honeymoon In The Mountains
10. How To Keep Your House Clean With Puppies

After writing out our love story in engagement, our pastor challenged Landon and me to write out why we abstained until marriage. We love sharing why we waited to kiss and have sex because it points directly back to our Savior!

We hope you’ll enjoy this Q & A format we wrote out below!

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Hi friend, my wife Kelsey and I wanted to share a few details about our story in hopes to encourage and challenge you in your own journey with your significant other, either now or one day in the future. Our Pastor, Cabot Ashwill, and his wife Asia had asked us to write down the experience we had in our pre-marriage relationship and how that has impacted us now. Our hope in writing this is not to discourage you, force you to do it our way, or to boast in ourselves. But rather, we are wanting this to give God the glory and allow him to do the work only he can do in us to make us all more like him. We thought it best to design this in a Q&A format, where we each take time to answer from each other’s perspectives. We did not collaborate on our answers so I would assume there to be some repetition in them. If you do have any questions, I put our email below so feel free to shoot us an email and we would be happy to correspond with you further.

1. Why did we decide to wait?

Him:

For me, it was a way to honor Kelsey and value her for who she is as an individual. It is easy to feed off of physical attraction to someone, but what about 30, 40, or even 50 years from now? The body and sex appeal from youth will have changed. If my relationship was founded on sex, it will be a fleeting thing that I am basing my relationship on. God calls us to center our lives around him and for me to do that it means focusing on Him and things above not on sexual desires. I wanted to honor Kelsey by following God and he calls us to be pure as he is pure. God calls us to be different and set apart to treat every woman who is not your wife just like you would a sister. Two become one in marriage and that is done not in vows but in sexual intercourse and it is something that I did not want to trifle with.

Her:

Abstaining till marriage became a non-negotiable for me in high school. I had given my life up to Christ, the Lord of my life, and wanted to seek Him and follow Him with my whole heart. Out of obedience for my King, I made the decision to not just abstain sexually until marriage, but also save my first kiss for my wedding day, for my husband at the end of the altar. God clearly designed the marriage relationship to be with one man and one woman as we see at the beginning of Genesis. We can see in the way He designed us, in His image, that he desires us to be one with our husband or wife in every way. I knew that if the Lord of my life called me to be one in every way with my future husband, then I had to choose to honor Him in it through intentional decisions. How could I be so selfish to give away parts of my heart and intimate sexuality with any other man who is not my husband? By saving my first kiss for my future husband I knew it would allow me to stay completely pure for him in every way. It is not sinful to kiss before your wedding day, but I was convicted. In my heart, I thought “Why even give away an intimate kiss, that should be saved for the man I become one with, to someone else? What value is there in simple gratification now when God calls me to something bigger and greater?” Good things come to those who wait. That was my motto. Waiting to abstain should never be a question in your heart or mind when you’ve given your life over to Christ. He designed males and females to come together as one, and therefore, sexual intimacy should be saved for that one person. So for me, I was convicted that all intimacy, even a kiss, should be saved.

2. Was it hard and what did you do when it was hard?

Him:

It took a lot of focus, prayer, and discipline amongst other things for me. I had to watch my mind, my hands, and my heart. I had to fight sexual temptation and desire. So, was it hard? Heck, yeah! Super hard. What did we do? Well, we drew very strict boundaries physically. We didn’t allow temptation or desire to overtake us because we were walking some tightrope of no sex but everything else. We didn’t hold hands until I was being intentional in pursuing her. We didn’t kiss on the cheek until we were engaged and not on the lips until we were married. When it got hard, we both would communicate and talk about it and help one another. We learned how to not tempt one another by what we did, said, or wore. We had alone time rules, no sleepovers, no laying down with each other and so many others. This was tremendous help as in times where she was weak, I was strong and when I was weak, she was strong. We saw marriage as a launch point, not as a finish line, so we were always preparing for marriage, looking to the long-term investment, not the short-term gain.

Her:

Like all temptations, they are inevitable and must be fought. Because I was saving my first kiss for my wedding day, the temptations I faced when dating came often in the form of wanting to kiss or do other actions that lead to sex, like long hugs or laying down next to another man.

Anytime we stand up for Christ and hold high values it will be hard. Standing up for what you feel convicted of is a challenge, especially when it is questioned by others. For me, I often had friends and family questioning my decision, saying “Why would you do that? That is so unnecessary.” Or “Wow, that is so extreme.” I heard in my head that I was weird, an outsider and that I was missing out. It was extremely hard at times. It was the times when I wasn’t in a relationship and things looked very hopeless that I would want to reconsider my vow to the Lord. The devil would try to convince me to change when I was alone with my thoughts. I would settle for guys below my standards on dates or I would convince myself that if I wasn’t married by a certain age then it would be ok to kiss and drop my vow to the Lord. Satan is excellent at getting into our heads and tempting us to drop our standards. Without constantly surrendering my love story to God, I would have fallen for the temptation quickly. It was prayer and my relationship with the Lord that ultimately saved me from temptation. On another practical level, when friends and family didn’t support my decision, I turned to godly leaders and what they said about waiting to kiss till marriage or abstaining sexually. I would read their books and blogs and remember why I fought the hard battle. When I was in a year-long relationship with a man who ended up not being my husband, I found it very hard at times to not kiss him or move our relationship forward. By keeping God at the center of my life, I could hold fast to the truth that God commands me to save my sexuality for my husband and this man is not my husband yet. In Eric and Leslie Ludy’s book ‘When God Writes Your Love Story (which I highly recommend) they talk about handing over the pen to God as He is the one writing my love story. I had to continually hand over the pen to Christ and completely trust Him to write my love story. Was it hard? Yes. Was it worth it? Completely.

3. Was it worth it once we got married?

Him:

So worth it indeed! Marriage is glorious when you have the confines of a God-honoring covenant at which to learn about each other in. Communication about each other, expectations, fantasies about sex, what the first night looks like, and so many other things were key. Being open and honest bred the ability to know one another so deeply so that once we were in it, we could just be, and enjoy each other knowing we were there for each other without shame and without reservation. In my past, I had gone pretty far sexually in a “Christian” relationship and have kissed many times with many different girls. My sexuality rule was, “anything goes…just not the actual act of sex.” I did everything under the sun except sex and it ended in ruin, hurt, pain, and regret. As God transformed my life and I no longer was that past man, I listen to his lead and followed it with my relationship with Kelsey. I was steadfast unwavering in my convictions to follow Christ at all cost. Even though I had kissed and done many other shameful things, God said, “Wait.” I did, and out of it came a relationship that even now I just go, “Wow, God is good.”

Her:

So many people told me it was stupid and weird to save my first kiss till my wedding day. And maybe it seemed that way to them. But they were wrong. Saving my first kiss and sex till marriage was the best decision I could have ever made. On my wedding day, all I felt was joy. I was so joyful because I had no regret. I had 100% confidence in the fact that I had 100% of my purity to give to my husband on that day. There was no hidden sorrow and no skeletons of the past hiding in my closet to pop in my mind at any time. There was only joy in that I had waited for this moment for a long time, to give my husband the gift of my purity. Fear, shame, guilt, sadness, anger, bitterness – these are probably feelings I would have had to suppress leading up to my wedding day, on my wedding day, and after my wedding in my marriage if I had given other men pieces of my heart. There is always forgiveness and healing from Christ when past mistakes do occur as my husband can testify to. However, my story is one of complete joy in that saving myself for my husband was everything God promises. I experienced God’s blessings in countless ways when I experienced sexual intimacy for the first time because it was in God’s design. Full surrender to Christ can only lead to complete joy, satisfaction, and happiness in Him. Why would you want to risk not experiencing that? Immediate satisfaction will never outweigh the joy of waiting for God’s best for you. God will always pour blessings out when His word is followed when he is worshipped, and when we glorify Him with the decisions we make. We see this continually with the story of the Israelites in the Old Testament. There’s nothing more valuable on this earth than pleasing our Savior all the days of our lives, and that includes our sexuality.

4. What tools are needed in remaining steadfast?

Him:

SCRIPTURE and PRAYER, lots of it! Coupled in is healthy, immovable, and very clear-cut boundaries that you both talk about and agree on. Communication about everything: temptations, insecurities, sex, boundaries, desires, love, difficulties, and what we were working towards. Another big tool was clearly defining what our future will one day be when we could sexually interact while still following God’s lead. Our pre-marriage relationship was just over 5 months in total. Sharing our testimonies and being vulnerable was key. We didn’t rush because of sex but since sex wasn’t an option, we were honest, unmasked, and unveiled with each other relationally in every way. By the time our wedding day came around we were prepared and excited to start a life together.

Her:

Continually being in prayer. A full surrender and commitment to the Lord. Trusting the Lord with all your heart soul, mind, and strength. Remaining steadfast will only be possible if you keep God at the center of your life. But additionally, you must learn to say no. Saying no to certain events, people, and places that will hinder your commitment is very important in remaining steadfast. I’m naturally a shy and timid people-pleaser. I will go out of my way to help someone and just say yes to something to not hurt someone’s feelings. This almost got me in trouble a few times. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time could lead to a mistake. It could lead to breaking my commitment and vow to the Lord. Being intentional is a daily, moment-to-moment decision that must be made. Surround yourself with the right people and those who will encourage you towards true purity. Stay involved at church. Make friends that are on the same journey. And ask God to bring along encouragement at times when you need it most.

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5. Did our relationship suffer or grow pre-marriage?

Him:

It grew so healthily and deeply to places it wouldn’t have if we would have broken our boundaries or not had any at all. It was the best thing for us because we learned purely about each other. We focused on what mattered and knew the person we were marrying when the time came for us to become one. I would say the inverse would be true if we didn’t wait. Our relationship would have a lot of baggage and hardships; the navigation would be much more strained and difficult.

Ultimately, Kelsey and I wanted our relationship to be built on solid ground, Christ Jesus our Lord. We did not want anything to water that down. Christ is the center of our relationship now as he was then, our identity rests in him. Yes, we are not perfect but as God leads, we must follow, and he calls us to be set apart and live differently than the world. The world says, “instant gratification; sex money and drugs. What’s good for you is good, no worries about tomorrow.” God says, “Store up Heavenly treasures, this earth is fleeting. To live is Christ to die is gain.” Kelsey and I are focused on lifting each other up in Christ pushing each other closer to him every day. Our solid rock is Christ Jesus not sex. Through sex in our marriage, we can honor God and constantly renew our vows to each other and push each other closer to him. We are so thankful for waiting. It was so worth it. the difficult times can’t hold a candle to how worth it was in the end, which is only the beginning of something amazing and lasting.

Her:

No, our relationship did not suffer at all. It was only strengthened in so many ways. After dating one man in college that didn’t work out, it was a few years later that I started dating my husband. We set high boundaries in the beginning and stuck with them till we were husband and wife. Landon and I waited to kiss on the cheek till we were engaged, and kiss until we were married. We never laid down next to each other and we avoided idle time. Some may think this would cause our relationship to suffer, but it actually strengthened it in a bazillion ways. As a result of waiting to be sexually intimate it allowed us to know each other on a very deep level – spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. During our time of dating and engagement we stayed laser focused, and a lot of that was thanks to the leadership of my husband. He was diligent in being in the leader of our relationship and making sure we honored God with our thoughts and actions. If we had crossed any of our boundaries and sacrificed some of our sexual purity, then our relationship would have suffered. We would have to deal with hurt, regret, pain and shame. Staying pure and steadfast led to so much joy and fulfillment in Christ when we entered our marriage together.

Our formula to living a healthy pre-marriage lifestyle that was God honoring is the same for us now as it was then and will be in the future: Prayer and Scripture. Then following God as he does the leading. It looks different for us all as the Holy Spirit moves each of us closer to him in different ways. But there is one sure thing, as Christians, God calls us to be different than the world “set apart” “in but not of” that means being bold in your faith and trusting God. One day before Christ we will have to account for every deed both acted and thought.

How is living together or having sex before marriage God honoring? If we dig into scripture to find the answer, we will discover it is not God honoring nor apart of his plan. God set up the family structure for a reason. Premarital sex or living is outside of God’s order for life and in turn causes so much pain and uncertainty.

In today’s culture sexual purity is a thing of the past which has been replaced with instant gratification; use it and then move on to the next. Regardless if you are a Christ follower or not, I want to leave you with this: If your significant other means everything to you, invest that in the future. Nothing says “I love you” more than self-control, perseverance and a pay it forward mindset. Don’t go into debt now because you simply “want it now” or it’s “too hard to wait”. I lived that in my past and it ended in pain; I followed my heart and my heart was deceiving.

If we had kissed before marriage, staying pure would have been even harder. By both of us having an equally strong desire to honor God and place boundaries in our relationship, it allowed us to be disciplined and helped us keep each other accountable in staying pure. Only by God’s grace and being accountable and transparent with others could we really remain steadfast and hold to our boundaries. It was completely worth it and one of the best decisions we have ever made. Starting a marriage founded on Christ with no baggage, guilt or regret allows us the freedom to push each other closer to Christ every day.

“Prepare for a lifetime of marriage and an eternity with God not a poor choice in a fleeting moment.” -Unknown

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Cor 10:31)

[Men] treat older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity. (1 Timothy 5:2)

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. (Matthew 6:19-21)

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Timothy 4:7)

Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. (Romans 12:11)

Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? and there is nothing on earth that I desire beside You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; You put an end to all those who are unfaithful to You. But for me, it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73:23-28)

With love,

Landon and Kelsey Albert

Thoughts?? Questions?? Shoot them in the comments below so we can talk with you! Or email info@goodpointgrandma.com

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Kelsey at GoodPointGrandma

Hey there, I'm Kelsey! I'm so glad you are here. I'm a 20-something helping you live your most fulfilling life. I hope you'll join me in this old-fashioned & simple lifestyle!

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