17 Steps To Saying No In Tremendous Ways – Part 1

When we look at setting up the right habits in our 20’s it means that we have to say no to a lot of things.

Taking steps to saying no is never easy. It often makes us feel very negative and can even have negative effects on our lives if we don’t do it the right way with the right perspective.

If you are anything like me, then you’re reading this post because you struggle with saying no. You probably feel like you are hurting someone or not giving your best.

I need help saying no all the time. I always say yes to everything. In fact, in college, I ran myself to the ground trying to do it all. I was a top student, and soccer player, led the Habitat for Humanity team, led a small group, and had side jobs and internships. I literally tried to do it all.

In fact, I was saying yes to so many things that I became addicted to stress and busyness. It became something I craved. It got so bad that when my friends would sit down at night to watch a movie in our dorm room at night I couldn’t do it.

There was homework to do or a phone call to make instead. I focused so much on saying yes to all the opportunities that came my way that I didn’t realize I was disregarding relationships in my life. I didn’t know the steps to saying no.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, where you just always give and always say yes, consider these steps to saying no.

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The First 8 Steps To Saying No

1. Stop Being Selfish

One of the first steps to saying no is to realize the reason behind it. Even if you are saying yes to everything good in life, there is still a reason behind it all.

In college, when I was saying no to everything, my underlying reason was that I didn’t want to miss out. I selfishly wanted all the opportunities for myself. It was so hard for me to give anything over to someone else.

It is so easy to be selfish in today’s world. However, as a Christian, I believe God calls us to something much greater. The act of selfless love can be the best thing you can ever give someone.

So, ask yourself, what is my reason for saying yes all the time? Is this one of the steps to saying no that you need to focus on first?

2. Have A Long-Term Perspective

For me, I wanted instant gratification. And all of us will chase instant gratification at one point or another. It is inevitable in today’s world.

With advertisements of “lose weight now” or “earn $100 – no work required!” we think that we can get whatever we want when to say yes to something now.

This is one of my weaknesses and it used to be so prevalent in my life. I would say yes to anything so fast I didn’t even fully know what I said yes to. Volunteering this weekend? Yes! Helping you move tomorrow? Sure! Lead a bible study? Why not!

I would say yes so fast that I didn’t get the chance to really think about what I even said yes to. Now, I have pushed myself to respond with “Let me get back to you once I have a chance to think about that request.” And believe it or not, that response is greatly admired and respected by most people.

The book, My Best Yes, by Lysa Terkeurst, helped me learn this lesson in huge ways.

Before you say yes, know that this is one of the steps to saying no, that causes you to pause. Always consider, “What will be the long-term benefits and consequences of saying yes to this request?” If the benefits don’t outweigh the consequences say no immediately.

3. Delay Pleasure

Instant gratification also makes us think we need to always be pleased. But, that just isn’t reality. When you say yes to dessert every night, you face consequences. You get immediate gratification, but your body because harmed by the heaping amounts of sugar you consume.

There is a skill that is lost in today’s culture that we need to try to win back – delaying pleasure.

When we delay pleasure and work extremely hard for something, the reward is 100 times greater. For me, that meant working extremely hard to run a half-marathon, training every single day I could.

Did I delay pleasure like swimming or laying out by the lake that summer? All the time. Was it worth it in the end? 100 percent.

The same thing goes for money. You may want that new electronic now because of all the hype around it, so you could choose immediate gratification, go into debt, and face the consequences of interest rates accumulating on your credit card bill. Or you could wait, save up for the electronic, and enjoy its benefits with more joy because you worked hard for it and can experience it without the debt looming in the back of your mind.

Related Post: How To Manage Your First Real Paycheck After College

Instead of saying yes to everything placed in front of you, learn the lost skill of saying no by having a mindset of “I will delay gratification for a greater reward in the future.”

When you delay pleasure, you are going to experience even more joy down the road than if you were to experience the short immediate joy of today. Say no now for something much more rewarding later.

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4. Examine Your Motivation

You may now know the reason you say yes all the time after reading step one of the steps to saying no. We discussed that it is often a selfish reason that you say yes all the time. You say it because it is something that gives you value over others.

But what is the underlying motivation behind that reason? Is it money? Fame? Recognition? Approval? The desire to be seen/heard/or known?

For example, it could be because you like the affirmation you get from others when you say yes. Or it could be that you enjoy the public recognition that you receive when people notice all that you do.

It is so important to ask yourself, what is the underlying motivation behind the reason? Why do I subconsciously say yes all the time? What steps can I take to find out my motivation and say no to changing this pattern today?

Start by asking others around you, that see these patterns happening day-to-day. Then, look at patterns from your childhood. Was the way you were raised affecting this mindset?

Or consider grabbing a copy of this book from Amazon to learn more about what the motivation behind saying no looks like.

5. Conquer Comparison

I have a twin sister. When other people read that, they think “Wow that is so fun!” or “I wish I had a twin!” But the truth is that having a twin sister led to one of my biggest struggles: comparison.

Always being compared to each other by others, especially because we were so different, meant that I naturally had comparison engrained into every part of me growing up.

I had said yes to a lot of different situations and things growing up, just for the sake of winning the comparison battle. I’m guessing you have dealt with this at one point as well.

When we want to win in a certain way because we are comparing ourselves, we tend to say yes all the time. We fail to implement steps to saying no and instead, try to win the battle with all our yeses.

Stop falling into the comparison trap and start saying no instead. Say yes to what will make you a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc., and not what will make you feel inferior to the person you are comparing yourself with.

6. Know Your Needs

Self-care is so important. And as women, we fail at self-care all the time. Our husbands, friends, siblings, children, and so many others always come first.

We say yes to everyone else that we forget to say yes to ourselves. Ask yourself today, “What are some needs that I need to take off for myself?” What self-care regimen can you start implementing today?

The only way you can and more self-care and take care of yourself is by saying no to someone or something else. So, pull out your calendar, and decide on one thing that you are going to say no to this week so that you can say yes to taking care of yourself.

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7. Forget Your Wants

I say this in the sense of, forgetting your wants that are not a priority today and tomorrow. Let’s be honest, you can’t do it all. You can’t have it all.

If you are saying yes all the time and never saying no, then this goes back to your selfishness. Its something we all struggle with. You want it all, but guess what, you can’t have it all.

Believe me, I know, I tried for so long to have it all and do it all. I am an achiever and was always rushing at any opportunity I could get my hands on. But, that led to over-exhaustion and eventually a quarter-life crisis.

Forget having to all, because you can’t. Don’t be naïve and say yes in hopes of something more. Start saying no to the things that are meant to be right now. Don’t worry, there’s always a chance to say yes to those in the future.

8. Learn From Wiser People

One of the best steps to saying no is to say yes to older and wiser people. Finding a mentor in your life is one of the best decisions you could ever make.

A mentor is someone that knows you and knows your strengths and weaknesses. Because they know you so well, they can help you say no. They can encourage you in the things you should be saying yes to and the things you should be saying no to.

A mentor also knows your personal situation. They will be able to offer more tangible guidance than this post can, as this is a guide, but your personal situation may be different.

Don’t skip over this as one of the steps to saying no. Realize that a mentor could be super beneficial to you and seek one out in your life. My favorite place to look for them is at my local church.

If you don’t have a mentor quite yet, start with this book and soak in its wisdom.

The Best Yes is a book that helped transform my thinking and mindset into one that would encourage me to say no to everything small and meaningless in the grand scheme of things and only yes to the one focus area that is most important to me.

This book helped me see that I was saying yes all the time for all the wrong reasons. Now, I have a mindset of saying yes to things that go along with my vision and values under my best yes. I encourage you to pick up a copy of The Best Yes.

Not only will The Best Yes help you on your journey to saying no, but it will give you the mindset shift you need to experience in order to change the habit in your life for the future. Check it out on Amazon here today.

Keep reading for part two here to see the last nine steps on how you can say no in tremendous ways and what it means to give your best yes: coming soon!

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Kelsey at GoodPointGrandma

Hey there, I'm Kelsey! I'm so glad you are here. I'm a 20-something helping you live your most fulfilling life. I hope you'll join me in this old-fashioned & simple lifestyle!

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