The book was popular because it filled a gap that parents, pastors, and other adults weren’t (and in many cases still aren’t) filling. Where was (is) godly council on how to navigate dating/courtship/engagement/marriage in the church? Throughout human history, marriage has either been arranged or was something that was quickly attained when one got to adulthood. There was less time for leisure, college, or “finding oneself.” The young maiden of yesteryear lived at home and worked the farm until a suitable young man came her way. She didn’t face the same psychological pressures as the 1990’s teen. Dating for fun and delaying the commitment of marriage while simultaneously developing the natural biological urges of sex has never been the prescription for developing a healthy and righteous generation. Yet that was the de facto culture of 1990’s America (it’s only gotten worse).

The broader purity movement did have its flaws, and again this was largely due to the absence of adults. Many parents were passive, using church to raise their kids instead of actively and properly guiding them, leaving youth pastors to do the best they could to combat the licentiousness of the age with varying degrees of success. But as it’s said, your youth pastor gets you 1 or 2 hours a week, the world gets you the rest of the time. In hindsight, purity rings or commitment cards which have since fallen out of fad seem misplaced or “idols,” but the question isn’t “who did this hurt” but rather “why did the church fail to ignore what Christian teens needed”?

Interestingly, one flaw of the book is that it doesn’t anticipate is what ended up happening to the author–namely that without practicing righteous living sin can creep in and replace our love for God and lead us on the path to hell. The book was rightly concerned that sinful behavior will have negative effects on other relationships. But what about our standing with God? Many people have had illicit sexual relationships but gone on to have solid marriages. But far more have decided to give up following God because they loved their fleshly desires. The wages of sin is death.

This is, more broadly, the rotten fruit of the cheap grace gospel. Cheap grace treats the grace of God as a license for sin, wrongly assuming that a Christian can never lose his salvation no matter what he does. Josh Harris is a direct testimony. He favored his desire to be liked by the world above his love for God. Unchecked, this prideful desire led him to denounce his faith and put his soul on a perilous path.

Thank you for your comment! I am so glad you were able to find it helpful on your journey!

“While the intentions behind his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye were spot on, to help Christian singles walk closer to the Lord in their courting experience, he also promoted feelings of shame, thoughts of legalism, and a culture formed around extreme “truths” not found in the Bible.”

That’s pretty much where I am with the book. As I say in my post about the book “Funny, what I think hurt me about the book wasn’t so much its ideas as the beautiful picture it presented that never quite came true.” I actually agree with much of the abstinence movement but like you said, I think I assumed that by living a certain way I’d get what I want from God, but God knows what is best. I’m in my thirties now and still single. Thanks for your thoughtful piece.